Yaaaaayyyyyy. I hadn't been to therapy since before the holidays because of scheduling stuff. And I went today! I love going to therapy. Today we talked about my new sobriety, some weird triggers I'm trying to work through and what it means to "be the victim."
I told my therapist a story about a comment I received recently that made me feel not so great and my reaction to the not-so-great comment, and she said "I feel sad for you." To which I responded, "I'm not trying to play the victim or ask for pity. Just recounting an event I want to work through."
Then we talked about how the action of talking it out is not placing myself in the role of victim. It's what therapy is for! For me to share my stories and work through things and get feedback. I'm allowed to whine a little and be like "Ouch! This thing hurt me!" BUT. The way I make excuses for others who make comments that upset me and brush things off... that's being a victim (making excuses for others, allowing myself to repeatedly get hurt by not establishing boundaries or by putting myself in the same situations again and again, etc). I obviously am paraphrasing through my lens. But, what I took from the session is that when someone makes fun of me or disrespects me or breaks a boundary... It's okay for me to be like. Hey! That's fucked up. Even if it's just internally. Knowing what is OK and what is not OK is important. I'm butchering it a little but that's what I took away. Also. Lord knows I've disrespected my fair share of boundaries. I'm learning how to be respectful in a genuine way and it means a lot to me.
ALSO. My therapist was shocked when I told her I'm on day 20 of sobriety. We have talked about my alcohol abuse a little bit in past sessions. But honestly, I had a lot of shame about it and wasn't really able to talk with her about it with 100% honesty. I'd talk about things I did after binging or while binging that were upsetting, but always kinda downplayed the role of alcohol. It feels pretty freeing to be like... hey I do have a problem. Denying it was exhausting and I kept having to deal with the aftermath of binges without accurately assessing the situation. Repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. Aka the literal definition of insanity.