So. Part of this whole thing is reckoning with... why am I actually doing this?
I was reading an article in The Guardian this morning about sobriety being the new drunk, which said, "[The growing number of young people who are ditching the hooch] is not full of recovering addicts, but rather people who value mindfulness, spandex and green juice."
It goes on to talk about trendiness, clarity and other new-agey reasons for sobriety.
I kind of find myself in a crossroads between a few different things, when it comes to reckoning with my choice to "try" sobriety. I definitely feel like I have a drinking problem. I have a really hard time with moderation and three drinks can easily turn into ten for me. Which is scary. I've often felt out of control and it's been the catalyst for a lot of immature, hurtful and unsafe behaviors. So, there's that element of it. Which I am not proud to admit. But it's part of it. I've also been drinking on and off since I was around 15. The first time I ever drank alcohol, I drank so much that I puked. It's been extreme since the start.
There's also a layer of moderate depression that comes into play. I take medication for depression and generalized anxiety disorder. And.... that's not a cocktail that mixes well with alcohol. I've been on these meds for about a year now, and I can tell a huge difference in how my body reacts to alcohol. I definitely didn't drink as much in the past year as I did in college, but I feel like the combination of alcohol with my meds really left me feeling jumbled and my hangovers weren't physical so much as emotional. Like, reallllly dark thoughts. Really intense negative thoughts about myself and life.
So that's where clarity comes in. And, lucky me! Apparently clairty is trendy. I'm looking forward to no hangovers, less shame-centric thoughts and learning more about... self control. And, bonus! I can focus on just dealing with my depression and anxiety, without adding substances that are... depressants. Substances that make shit harder.