Last night, I had a really weird feeling come over me. Just like. Woah. I'm safe. I don't have to drink. It's over. I don't have to do it anymore. It's crazy how sometimes we forget our own internal power. A small example of this has been just saying "I'm not going to drink for a year" vs. "I'm going to try to not drink for a year." It's kind of like being in love – you have to keep making the choice to be with someone day after day. An active choice. Same with this resolution... I just have to wake up everyday and keep choosing it. And right now, that thought feels pretty liberating.
That being said, last night was also weird and hard. I went out for my best friend's birthday and had, like, 3 mocktails, 2 hot lemon waters and 2 soda waters. So I was keeping up with my friend and the guys we were with (eh, kinda) but ... just not getting drunk. It was kind of awkward being the only sober one and I sort of felt like I was missing out or being a prude.
The beginning of the night/dinner was so fun but then it made me kind of anxious to explain to everyone why I wasn't drinking. I wasn't sure how they'd take it or how real I had to be... or wanted to be. No one I was with pressured me to drink. I just said I was on a cleanse. End of story. The one dude we were with was talking about how he has thought about doing "cleanses" but how dating and his job get in the way. He was explaining how he'll often meet up with a new dating prospect over drinks. How he'll often take out a new client for drinks. Or dinner with drinks. How he'll catch up with old friends over a drink. Which I totally get. It feels impolite to have someone ask "do you want a drink?" and to have to decline. Last night, I just combatted that with keeping my hands busy with virgin drinks.
It's definitely going to take some getting used to. And honestly, unless I feel comfortable with someone, I think the "I'm on a cleanse" thing is a really easy-out. People do cleanses. It doesn't mean I'm "sober" and it doesn't have any stigma. Hopefully as this progresses, I'll stop caring so much what other people think and try to think more deeply about the idea of being sober and what stigma that does or doesn't carry.
Today I am just tired as fuck because I didn't leave the bar until 1AM and then didn't get fully asleep until like 3:30AM. It's fine though. I'm gonna do some major pampering tonight -- bubble bath, foot scrub, knitting in front of the TV with a cup of tea, some minor cuddles with my dog. Because I'm worth it.