Overarching sobriety thoughts. I can't believe I'm here at 3 months. This feels huge! Here's what I wrote on Instagram on the day: "Oh man. I hoped that I had it within me but honestly I'm still surprised and delighted by each little landmark. I feel so clear and grateful and capable! I feel like I'm forming genuine friendships and really experiencing things, rather than focusing on just one more drink. And okay, just ONE more. And okay. Let's just stop for one more. Still healing and growing and trying to deal with all my shit, but I feel like myself again and I feel like I'm a person who is worthwhile and deserving of love and good things. Which definitely wasn't the case a year ago, or even three months ago. Moving forward: I want to focus on finding ways to pour this love and clarity into outlets that allow me to help others and elevate other women who are struggling with addiction and mental health issues."
I do feel like myself again, in a big way. I am excited about learning. I am excited about other humans. I am excited about my own capacity to love and grow and experience things. I know for a FACT that my drinking was excessive and was co-mingling with my depression in a way that made me... not want to live / not care about myself or anyone else. It's scary to think that I had been drinking to excess (not every day or even every week but relatively often) for, like, 9 years. And I'm only 24. A big part of AA is acknowledging that you're addicted to alcohol and your life has become unmanageable. I don't think I saw it that way when I was drinking a lot, but I had lost my grasp on my life. My life HAD become unmanageable. It's only now with a clear mind that I see how fucked up my relationship with myself had become.
Sobriety has allowed me to build myself back up and examine what was there in the first place. That being said, I'm not "fixed." I am still incredibly flawed. I am still 100% human. With capacity for great things, yes. But also capacity to fall flat on my face and have to reckon with the realities of personhood.
Taking things one day at a time. I know that I won't drink today and I just have to wake up tomorrow and set my intention for the day and just continue on doing that again and again. Reminder to look back on this post and this landmark and remember how good I felt and how inspired I felt, if I decide to think about drinking again and to think I'm not an alcoholic anymore bc I'm "fixed."