I had a dinner party! It was quite nice! I made butternut squash soup, and whipped up some kale chips & little crostinis to garnish the soup. And I designed a little charcuterie board with two hard cheeses, a soft cheese, mustard, spicy jelly, spicy green beans, two types of cured meat, apples & pears. I think it was a success. I will put less brown sugar in the soup, next time. It was a sweet and spicy soup.
I find such joy in cooking and I like talking about ingredients and cooking methods. It is very interesting and exciting to me, and I notice a big difference in my ability to adapt in the kitchen as I gain more and more practice.
When I was drinking, I had my friends over for soup and we all had drinks over dinner. My friends left and I just kept drinking by myself. I often fixate on men when I've had too much to drink and I don't remember exactly how that night went but I'm pretty confident that I either invited someone over or stayed up late, softly crying and either texting or just stalking on my phone. Like, those were the two best options for me after a night of drinking by myself, long after the party ended. It just sounds so lame, in hindsight.
So tonight... after my sober dinner party, I finished up an episode of Great British Bake Off and headed to bed shortly after, feeling full of gratitude for my lovely ass friends. AND hung out with my dog. Like. Why does 'drinking me' not consider that option? The watch-a-half-hour-of-television-and-go-to-bed option? I think drinking just exacerbates my codependence.
When I'm sober, I sometimes feel that strong jolt of like. Wow. I'm lonely and I really want to kiss and/or hold someone and/or just have someone care about my day/me/etc. But the difference is that in sobriety I can support myself with a clear mind. I can let myself know that it's okay to want companionship or physical affection or whatever and that being open will allow those situations to arise again. And that it's okay if it doesn't happen, too. I love myself and I am enough, without any external validation. I'm definitely rambling but there is just something that's so different about processing loneliness in sobriety vs. in my old whiskey-soaked past. Joy feels deeper and pain feels more manageable, and those two things alone are pretty much enough to keep me sober.