I've only been to three 12 step program meetings total in the past 2 and a half months. Day 81 marked the first 12 step program meeting that I actually really enjoyed and felt like I could... participate. It was a lot smaller in size than the other two meetings I'd been to. I felt pretty shy but eventually I did introduce myself and said like "Hi! I'm Zoey and I'm an alcoholic and I was too shy to say that before!" Because they ask at the beginning if anyone is new in general or new to that particular meeting time/place. So I could have spoken up before. But I was pretty silent at the beginning.
So. Yeah. The words "I'm an alcoholic." I was listening to an episode of HOME podcast last month (it's a podcast hosted by Holly Whitaker of Hip Sobriety and Laura McKowen who is an author), where both women talk about their personal experiences with alcohol. I don't remember which person says it... but there is a recurring line of "I just don't fuck with alcohol!" And the other woman talks about how she goes to AA and accepts the title of alcoholic in that space but doesn't find power in it in her day to day life.
But. It's, like, hard as FUCK to say out loud. I'm Zoey, and I'm an alcoholic! Like. I do have a drinking problem, in a major way. And I don't want to fuck with alcohol. And I don't fuck with alcohol, right now. And I hopefully won't fuck with alcohol for a long time, so long as I keep holding my shit together. But yeah, if I want to keep going to a 12 step program - that is a definite part of it. Claiming the title. And also, the spirituality side of things. Which, I'm surprisingly really okay with. I think it goes along with my thoughts about wanting to operate on a higher frequency. I want to feel *connected* and I think working toward that spiritual connection with others and myself and the universe is only a good thing at this point. Still very skeptical of any and all cult-ish behaviors. I did feel like a tiny bit cult-y at this meeting because most of the women came up to me afterwards and either hugged me or had me give them my number. But I think they just meant well and wanted to support me since I'm so new. The main thing is just having a desire to not drink. And I do have that. So, for now, I'm going to embrace it as a lifeline and a support system.
Cuz you know what? It's very hard to do all of this by myself.