Yesterday was weirdly rough. I cried on the way home from my grandma's house and just like, couldn't stop. It wasn't like rough ugly crying. Just a stream of tears for like 15 minutes. I guess it was triggered by a minor romantic rejection... I didn't necessarily get rejected, I guess, but I had a weird little heartache thing. I realized then that I still have the pervasive "Hi yeah no you don't really deserve to be loved. You maybe think you do but deep down you actually suck." And it's like. This is the shit I try to combat all the time. By practicing self love and eating well and exercising and journaling and spending time with loved ones and creating and whatever else. I really don't want to be consumed by negativity but sometimes it just feels so real.
As I'm trying to date and move on, I still think about my ex and just feel like a pile of trash that deserves to be alone. I probably just need to talk to my therapist about it and find ways to cope with the negative thoughts. I didn't drink but my roommate has a bunch of beers in the fridge and I kind of had a "what the hell, I could just have a beer and no one would know" thought and then was like, meh I have too much integrity to do that. But I don't know. I feel like I need to spend some time building myself back up because I have felt pretty shitty since I've been home from vacation.