Feelin pretty good. Had a bad bad headache all morning, was weird to have just a headache with no other hangover symptoms. I mean, that's probably weird to say. But in the past several years, headaches have been mostly hangover related for me. I also kind of wonder if I'll puke in the next year or not. I would say 90% of the times in my life I've vomited have been drinking related.
I'm still processing the fact that I used to put lots and lots of poison in my body several times a month and sometimes more. I would say my drinking significantly decreased in 2016, but I would still binge hard like once a month and have sporadic 2-3 drink nights sprinkled in. I would usually get drunk to excess, like major excess, once a month.
That monthly binge would often create chaos in my life that I fed off of. Like, texting (or calling over and over) an ex or being overly promiscuous or just doing other behaviors that weren't in line with my wants and desires in sober moments. Then, that created personal drama that I could talk about and obsess over. Rather than being honest and authentic and straightforward, I'd be like woah I can't believe I did that, or I'd feel vague and/or intense shame and never talk about it again.
I mean, that's kind of what drinking to excess was like for me in college too. Just my inner self acting up on its worst behavior. It's just really embarrassing to think back on that. And all the stuff I said that I didn't mean. I'm happy to acknowledge that this is a part of who I am and what I did but that I don't have to identify with these things anymore and I don't have to keep practicing these behaviors. The shame sometimes stings but it's getting duller over time. I feel like I'm doing a lot better.
Today I made gluten free carrot cake for my friends, and I have some modifications I'd like to make to the recipe but still feeling pretty accomplished and happy about it. Also, drank my body weight in sparkling water and think I found a new roommate. All in all, pretty decent day and still riding the high of the women's march. Ready to dig in and stand up for what I believe in more often. I feel positive and ready/able/willing to show up, more often. Partially because of momentum from the women's march and partially because I'm starting to get a better grasp on my mental health and I feel able to interact with others on a real level and stand up for shit I care about. Anxiety and depression are motherfuckers sometimes.