It's easy to feel shame about my past and how drinking affected my sexual and romantic history. My inability to emotionally connect for years made me feel like I was different or bad. It still does make me feel that way, if I think too hard or think myself into circles. I think it's easy to get caught up in anxiety about it all.
Alcohol was a huge part of how I was able to feel 'okay' with intimacy. It was an element of my disease. I think that as I work through my recovery more, I can really examine all this and work toward full healing. A lot of the guys I was with, I did care about deeply. I just had a hard time expressing it and I had a hard time really allowing myself to feel pleasure or feel worthy of love/adoration/good things. I think alcoholism contributed to that and also just immaturity and inexperience. It's hard to say.
I think there's just an intense shame and anxiety that comes with sharing my past, because there's a fear that a man might read my words and blame me for being assaulted or other forms of not believing me. As a woman, it’s like I’m not conditioned to believe my gut.
Anyway, I'm growing. I'm staying sober. I'm doing my best to live with honesty, vulnerability and strength. I can only go forward.