Hiiiii. Today was pretty good. I had a good day at work. Then, I met up with someone I've been trying to meet up with for a little while now. He got a beer and I had soda water with lime. It was really nice, and we laughed quite a bit. It didn't feel awkward that I wasn't drinking, which was really comforting. We sat at a bar of a sushi restaurant, and it was not a big deal to me at all. I excused myself after the one drink because I told my friend I would go to AA with him.
So then, I went to the AA meeting. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I kept an open mind going in. There were a shit ton of people there. I am sure Friday nights are hard for a lot of folks for a lot of different reasons.
The main thing I took away... that the "obsession" or always wanting "just one more" or whatever is pretty normal for alcoholics. My thing was that I was always afraid I wasn't gonna be drunk enough. Or I would be taking shots at bar close. Or running to grab something from the gas station at 1:45am before it closes. Or I took shots when my friends weren't looking because I wanted to make sure I was just a little further over the edge... I wanted to be fun and also I just couldn't fucking help it. I just wanted to drink more. A lot of the people who spoke at AA seemed to have similar sentiments. So, it was humbling and good to be like. Ok. Yeah, you're not alone. This is something that other people experience too. And just like, the simple mission of going is the desire to get sober. So, I mean. Yep. That's what I'm working toward. I don't have shame about going but I do feel like there are some sober people who are like "I don't NEED AA!!!!!" But, I'm not ruling it out, personally.
The whole thing was a little more religious than I'm comfortable with but I can see myself going periodically. I'm interested in maybe going to a group with women only.
Another sober Friday night. I'm getting used to this. It's pretty nice to feel myself forming more cohesive thoughts and patterns over the course of weeks. Before it was like, I'd make progress. Then I'd binge super hard and have a day or two or three where I was mentally and physically out of commission. Or I'd eat suuuuuper shitty food to deal with the hangover and try to absorb the alcohol with grease. I can actually feel myself settling into a frame of mind that has more depth and a higher quality of functioning. I mean, maybe I'm just like... on the "sober high" or whatever and it will wear off. But for now, I feel good and I feel like I'm working hard to be better every day.