day 23: soulful mf sunday

Shit man. It's been an emotional day. I mean, it's me. So... somewhat standard. But yeah, lots of happy tears today. Also some working through some shit tears. And a few genuine sadness tears. I'm a Cancer, so it's, like, totally a thing for me to be a cry baby.

This morning, I took Gabby Bernstein's free New Year's Breakthrough webinar about the "only resolution you'll need" this year and was kind of skeptical going in. Wasn't sure if it was going to be spiritual mumbo jumbo / feel good nonsense. Or like, cult-y. I don't know! I'm very sensitive to cult-y things. I don't want to be in a sobriety cult, a religious cult or a murder-y cult. No cults! 

Okay. So anyway. The seminar, err – webinar, was really cool. The whole thing was centered around why people flake on their resolutions after a week or two. She basically talked about how it's because we focus on superficial things rather than getting to the root cause (or core wound / core limiting belief). Like, hi it's January 1st ... I want to lose weight and not eat carbs for a year. That kind of goal isn't sustainable for most people. January 13th rolls around (or 2nd or whatever) and it's like HI, BREAD! *insert Oprah I loooooveeee breaaaad gif* 

Gabby instead told us to figure out the *why* and wtf is really going on with us. She asked us to figure out our core wound / core limiting belief. For me, my core wound is just ... being afraid of not being loved and being afraid I'm not good enough. That core limiting belief has caused me to act out in fear. I've been so afraid. I've pushed people away, blacked out, engaged in negative self talk, you name it. 

There were a few more steps. Then, she had us tap different pressure points on our bodies and repeat after her. Starting with negative talk and gaining momentum into positive mantras. So starting with "I'm afraid I can't change. I can't change. I'm not able to change. Change isn't for me. I'm fucking scared of changing. I'm afraid I won't like who I am or know who I am if I change. My fear keeps me stuck. My fear keeps me small" and evolving into "There's part of me that believes there's change I can have. I'm comfortable with change. I'm ready to feel better. Man, I'm proud of myself. I'm willing to change. I'm willing to get to the root cause of the pain. I am ready for change. That feels so good. There's momentum behind me. I'm prepared for change."

It kind of felt cult-y to be watching a stranger on my computer while tapping the top of my head, the inner part of my eyebrow, the side of my eye, under my eye, right below my nose, my chin, my collar bones, the side of my body. And just like, repeating what she said out loud alone in my room. But. I felt genuinely moved. I cried and felt humbled and capable. It was totally great.

The last thing was a forgiveness mantra. I forgive myself. I accept myself. I let go of who I used to be. I am new. That reminder was huge for me. 

So, you know what. Culty-ness be damned. I had a really spiritual day and it felt really good. I set out on this whole thing (this whole thing being... sobriety) with the intention of feeling good MORE OFTEN. And I feel like I'm actively doing that each day. Also, not having a hangover today was so good. Did the webinar, did some stuff for work, did laundry, cleaned my room, hung with family for my sister's birthday, did a short yoga session (on a full belly... woof), journaled a little. In the words of my favorite podcast, you're in a cult call your dad. Niiiight!