Hi. I'm so sleepy. I woke up way early for work, had a full work day, took my dog to the park, went to yoga, sat in the sauna, grocery shopped and then meal prepped a shiiit ton of food.
I really wanted to go out for drinks or have wine while cooking tonight. Like really bad. I texted my friends and drank bubbly water and the big craving passed.
This part is pretty unglamorous. I started crying while cooking because I asked myself ... 'would [redacted] want me now that I'm sober?' And then I thought about being called unpredictable and being compared to Jekyll and Hyde. Like, as in - you never know who you're gonna get with me when I'm drinking.
All of those thoughts mixed together made me feel sick and sad. Just... self doubt to the max. And just the sting of when other people verbalize the things you dislike about yourself and how real that makes those things. The root of the problem here is not just an interpersonal conflict or past relationship issue, though. It's way more rooted in the fear of what other people think of me and also just a lack of respect and love and trust for myself. I don't need to think of my self worth through the perspective of someone else wanting me or not. It's damaging and exhausting.
So, when the tears came, I just turned on Rack City by Tyga then Solange's new album and danced while cooking. And enjoyed my bubbly water. There is so much joy in dancing. I don't feel defeated. Just trying to acknowledge the feelings so I can move past them.