day 137

Ummmmmmmm. I don't know. My heart is pretty jealous and scrambled. Trying so hard to accept the reality of right now.

Thought a lot about buying wine at the grocery store and then some dude was leaving w a bunch of my favorite beer and I was just like. God damn. I want to numb some stuff. Feelin very vulnerable lately. I know that my ego is wounded and I'm feeling down, so it makes sense that I'm looking externally for validation. It's a pattern of behavior. I texted my ex and that was not good of me to do. He was polite and then I think I creeped him out by saying I missed him. Normally I'd be like yoooo wtf is wrong with me but I feel like I tried to be genuine and kind and I just need to readjust my expectations. We aren't friends and I gotta stop trying. My therapist and I are talking about how sometimes reconciliation isn't possible but also isn't healthy or safe or necessary? I apologized to my ex for overstepping a boundary (and sincerely meant it), so all I can do now is focus on what I can control. Which is just me.

I feel very embarrassed and like this is too personal for a blog post but tbh so much of my recovery journey is tied up in my relationship w others, romantic and otherwise. Controlling the physical act of drinking has been pretty easy but it's been the emotional habits and the self esteem stuff and the boundaries stuff. That's been the real challenge. And that's where I keep kinda fucking up. I do think it's all connected.

I am am embarrassed but it will pass. I wore a very cool skirt w an egg print on it today and took a very nice long walk with my dog and had a very good AA meeting and Mercury is out of retrograde tomorrow. So there is still some shit to celebrate.