My dog is resting on my legs, and I'm slouchin' on the couch. I have noticed that I get reaaaaal depressed after 11pm-ish. My mind gets lonely! This is the time I creep my ex. But I have to do it in an incognito tab because he blocked me. Maybe admitting it here will give me the strength to stop and realize how absurd I'm being. But I do often try to think about it with the same "one day at a time mentality." Like, just don't look or don't think about it or don't reach out, just for today. I think it's helping... weening off emotional dependence, in the same way I am trying to ween off of dependence on substances. I also bought a book about codependence that my therapist recommended to me. We'll see if that helps.
The most fucked up thing is that I can *feeeeeel* the emotional pang and desire to reach out and I *knoooooow* that Drunk Zoey would call. Like, I feel the moment where a less stable me would be thrown totally off-kilter. Would cry. Would call again. Would call seven times. Would leave voicemails, with slurred speech and indulgent pleas and obnoxious apologies. Just like, so very little self esteem. So ya know. I need to give myself credit for the areas I've grown. Four months ago - I was not coping in a healthy way. I was exacerbating the wounds. I was being very disrespectful of boundaries. I have a lot of room for improvement but I do want to acknowledge that some strides have been made.
I did have a very good night though. I volunteered at the women's center and then went to a house show. I saw my friend perform and she has new songs that I really connected with. Her project is called Squirrel Flower... and especially the song "Not Your Prey" is just gorgeous. Here is a Spotify link. She describes the songs on the album as being "about vulnerability, independence/dependence, having a female body, and overcoming different sorts of physical and abstract fear." So it makes sense that I feel them in my bones. I feel humbled by these songs. Also, we got to lay on the floor for the show and one of the artists made cookies. The second band/project had a beautiful projection on the ceiling and a lot of the lyrics were about loving yourself on bad days and knowing you're worthy of love. The universe had my back on that one.
I had a few moments of intense joy where I squeezed my whole self in tight and squealed a little. My emotions were all over the place tonight. At least I was clear/present to feel them all.
Beyond obsessing over my ex, I also have anxiety about this other person. Pretty much I assume if someone sleeps with me - they sort of hate me and don't respect me. I really need to do an inventory of what's going on in my brain and lead with love and honesty. And live with intention. I don't want to discount myself and I don't want to continue these fucked up emotional patterns in sobriety. That's why I'm doing this - to radically change my experiences + to have joy. I feel like because I've had such bad experiences with men in the past, I automatically think that anyone who is sweet to me is lying or really thinks I'm bad. Agh, I want to go into more details but it's just too personal. Let's get coffee and I can just spill my guts even more.
Also - I went to this stand up comedy thing a few weeks ago and the comedian made a joke about how people only make blogs when no one in real life will listen to them. lollllllll. But seriously, sometimes it feels so odd to just throw out all my thoughts onto the internet and it has meant so much when friends/strangers have reached out to me and started a dialogue about whatever spoke to them. Please feel free to comment or email me or whatever.
I'm gonna go to bed now. Try to level out this up-n-down brain space. Xo