How strange things have been lately. Feeling strong but also scared and vulnerable and tender and angry. There's been a lot to process. I am scared for 365 days to come and go and to see where I am. I'm anxious for the future to happen. I'm determined to be present and listen to my body. I have so much work to do, on many levels. Feeling overwhelmed. I want to feel overwhelmed with gratitude vs bursting w anxiety and barely keeping it all together. But again, it's a process.
A guy I am sort of interested in asked me about my sobriety last night and I found it harder than normal to point to reasons *why* ... especially the farther I get from my original decision to be sober. I think I told him something about how my depression got super bad and drinking was fucking up my psych meds. But I also said... it's just cuz I wanna. Which is also true. But I think it would be easier to date or like, instigate events without inhibitions. I think this is me trying to flee from having real feelings. Like, why can't I do things romantically with a clear mind? Am I just super duper not ready? I think I just know that if I were drinking - I'd probably already have propelled myself into dating or a hook up or something and it's weird to see how shy and reserved and cautious I can be without that catalyst. I think it's a good thing but I can definitely feel every ounce of my being trying to revert to old habits.