Lots is happening in my family and personal life but I feel able to take it day by day and find ways to manage it all.
It's been pretty odd - I can feel the physical urge to drink really strongly at times, especially after a bout of stress or anxiety. It's just a deep sense of wanting to ..... flee. I wanna escape and leave my body. It's been so hard and strange to stay firmly in my body and to fully experience it all.
Last week in my 12 step program someone mentioned that they drank to turn the lights off and now they like to keep the lights pretty bright. And I relate to that deeply. I want to be clear and to be fully present. The hardest part of sobriety is just feeling like a bag of trash for not coming to it sooner. And I guess I'm still afraid of relapsing and fucking up again. That would be the second hardest part, for me. Right now.
I feel so grateful and so scared all at once. Sobriety feels fragile, like it could all go to shit pretty quickly. So. Wish me luck! Lololololol