I am exhausted and kinda sad. I had a bunch of drunk people say semi snide things to me offhand about my work and my sobriety and my whatever that made me feel down on myself. I just feel kind of disrespected and also like... just trying to juggle the fact that sometimes drunk people say dumb shit. And two of my friends were talking about missing "wild zoey" and saying they were waiting for her to come back and that just bummed me out.
I also saw an artist perform tonight who is in recovery and it made me think back to two years ago when I was here when I was still drinking and I got really drunk with [redacted] and we did some fun but crazy things together, like drunk bathroom floor shenanigans. Lol. And how my drinking wasn't a problem then. For [redacted]. And just like. My brain went on a super deep spiral into like wow you really fucked up a really great love. And fucked over your number one companion. I'm so stuck on it and it's so frustrating. This is me blogging at 3am because I can't sleep. I'm overcaffeinated and underslept but at least I'm sober.
A lot of really good things have happened this week too. And tonight. I've seen some amazing art and talked to some amazing people who inspire me and who I love. (I'm at a weeklong music festival thing in the town I went to college in.)
I think I just have been really caught up on a few things. 1) Am I valuable if I don't make art? 2) Can I simultaneously, like, deeply regret breaking up with someone I love(d) and also... let it go? I regret it but I also want the pain to stop. Like I have a physical pain in my chest when I think about it and I just ache. I think time is probably the only thing that will help. Ugh. This is starting to feel like my diary from middle school. My apologies. Tomorrow is a new day and I'm gonna write some super positive shit on here. I just needed to vent because I am feeling overwhelmed and trying to process.