Very close to my original goal - one year without alcohol. This is the longest I've put a concerted effort toward anything in my life and it's pretty incredible.
I am working on making a moral inventory and kind of going through self-forgiveness. I have a lot of shame about how I used to act when I was drinking – and my therapist has talked to me about how to navigate that. With my self talk, I'm then able to say to myself - "You were doing the best you could with the tools you had at that time." And focusing on having regrets rather than shaming myself. Sure, I can regret a past behavior and work toward not engaging in behaviors like that moving forward. But for me, my instinct is to beat myself up and spiral down into why that behavior is indicative of all the reasons I'm not deserving of love. I go in waves where I feel connected and my shame is dissolved but when it comes back - it baffles me and hits me hard.
Very very focused on spirituality, living with intention, keeping depression at bay. I still have really low moments but it's quicker to bounce back.
I get asked a lot... if I'm going to start drinking again after a year passes. I have no way to be certain and I know relapse is possible. But I do know that I have today. I plan to continue on this journey one day at a time. It's been amazing so far and I can only imagine how much better it will become if I keep working on myself.
I’m sad a lot cuz have clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. But something that helps a lot is bathing, doing small tasks to build my confidence/momentum and reminding myself it’s just temporary and the low feelings will pass. Not drinking helps too.
Learning about how sex and sobriety intersect and how to be more chill about sex and relationships. Aka having sex for the right reasons and not freaking out if I don’t get my way / if there’s a miscommunication. I really value and trust my partner but my tendency is to freak out and shut down if I feel rejected in the slightest. Realizing more and more that I have a living problem as well as a drinking problem, and learning how to cope is the biggest challenge I face day to day. Just coping with challenges, relationships, emotions, daily stressors. I had really poor coping skills when I was drinking heavily, and I’m just now starting to really establish new habits and coping strategies / activities. Like the aforementioned bathing / self talk / etc.
Honestly it’s crazy how important sobriety has become to me. Like, staying sober is by far the best thing I do for myself each day. I’m learning how to forgive myself for my really dark alcoholic episodes and how to embrace the me I get to be every day. I get my life back if I stay present and stay sober. I love this gift. I love myself (most of the time). This is huge progress. A year and a half ago, I wanted to die. My hangovers were so dark and so extreme and so scary. I don’t have to live like that anymore.
I’m working on currently:
Decided I was done with weed in July 2017 and haven’t had alcohol since December 2016. Made a choice to approach things with total sobriety. Aka lost my right to any substance. Feelin good. ☀️🌸👽✌️
Working through a recovery program. Step 2 is about believing in a higher power and that a higher power can restore us to sanity. Going through a checklist of questions about my religious / spiritual upbringing – i realize there’s a lot of disconnection and fear in my former relationship with God / any sort of higher power.
I’m really interested in how others cultivate a spiritual practice in and out of AA. And especially outside of organized religion.
The most important things I do all day:
1) not drink
2) focus on being present
I still have a very hard time coping with the concept of an ex not caring about me anymore. When I was with my ex, I was feeling pain from a PREVIOUS ex’s rejection. I’m coming to understand that it’s more of a cycle of codependent tendencies, rather than an emphasis on any individual. It has virtually nothing to do with wanting to be with them, more just feeling insecure about perceived rejection or loss. Even losing people who abused or abandoned me gives me great pain, presently, if I think too hard on it. I have to make a conscious effort each day to stay present. Live in the moment. Deeply accept the reality of right now. Right now is so beautiful. I want to be open to surprises and love and hope and trust. I trust the universe to bring good things.
I shared a story that I wrote in college on here a few days ago but had to take it down because I felt way too vulnerable and exposed and unsafe. If you have had scary experiences with drinking and intimacy, hit me up - I’d be happy to talk through it with you. I just couldn’t leave the whole story and the details of an assault experience on here. It just felt too scary. And I don’t know who all reads this. So, I took it down but I’m here to talk. Always.
In related news...
It's easy to feel shame about my past and how drinking affected my sexual and romantic history. My inability to emotionally connect for years made me feel like I was different or bad. It still does make me feel that way, if I think too hard or think myself into circles. I think it's easy to get caught up in anxiety about it all.
Alcohol was a huge part of how I was able to feel 'okay' with intimacy. It was an element of my disease. I think that as I work through my recovery more, I can really examine all this and work toward full healing. A lot of the guys I was with, I did care about deeply. I just had a hard time expressing it and I had a hard time really allowing myself to feel pleasure or feel worthy of love/adoration/good things. I think alcoholism contributed to that and also just immaturity and inexperience. It's hard to say.
I think there's just an intense shame and anxiety that comes with sharing my past, because there's a fear that a man might read my words and blame me for being assaulted or other forms of not believing me. As a woman, it’s like I’m not conditioned to believe my gut.
Anyway, I'm growing. I'm staying sober. I'm doing my best to live with honesty, vulnerability and strength. I can only go forward.
Celebrating 10 months of sobriety.
Here are some things I've realized.
1) It was always a gamble when I was drinking. It could be one drink or fifteen. I didn't know before I started drinking which it would be. And I couldn't stop once I started.
2) I don't want to fuck with anything that alters my mind, including weed. I've been weed free since July and I don't anticipate going back to that. It's not a huge moral thing / decision. It's just... I'd rather not.
3) I can feel myself re-learning how to cope. I can talk about hard things. I can feel absolutely okay with different outcomes. I can think ahead to the worst case scenario and realize that even if the "worst" thing happens – I'll still be able to handle it.
4) I LOVE SOBER WOMEN. I've made so many amazing friends in sobriety. I wouldn't trade that feeling of being understood and the feeling of solidarity for anything. It's like finding hidden gems – other humans who also operate on a high frequency. I've met so many humans, all of whom are so vulnerable and honest and raw. It's my favorite thing.
5) I am taking it one day at a time but let's be real. I'm going to keep not drinking after one year. It's my vibe. I am in love with stuff again. I am okay with my past and I am looking forward to the future.
I haven't given up on daily blogging but it has been less of a priority lately. In early sobriety, it really helped me with accountability and just because I had sooooo mannnnyyy feeeeelings to process. I'm starting to feel a little more balanced and present and have had a little bit less to write about. I do like the discipline and daily practice, so I'm trying to repriotize a bit.
Overall feeling pretty good. Went to a show tonight and really enjoyed myself. It was my dog's first house show. He behaved himself masterfully. Lol. Honestly it was very cute.
I don't remember if I've shared this but I also stopped smoking weed in July and I feel like it's made a big impact on my ability to be present and focused. I'm really grateful for the gifts being sober has given me and I'm just trying to honor that and really be all in.
I also feel like not drinking provides so much extra time to do stuff. Like, simply the days feel longer. I wanna play more music, make fun collages, continue cooking and baking. Just stay present and enjoy and stay calm/not worried where I'm at compared to others.
Ok I'm really sleepy byeee.