Happy New Year.
I'm going to share my lists of 2016 gratitude and 2017 intentions here in a sec. My NYE was dreamy! Oracle cards, witchy tea (like, seriously meant to give you wild dreams), my favorite cheese, fudge, glögg (which is like a mulled sparkling cider), water, and really really really delightful friends. We also made three lists - one list of things we cherish from 2016, one list of anxieties/ angers/ resentements/ negatives from 2016, and one list of intentions or things to look forward to in 2017. I ripped up the list of negatives into little tiny pieces and let myself really focus on the concentrated feeling of . . . ripping. Not a violent act - but just very definite. I'm ready to leave old resentments behind. We thought about burning them, but didn't really know how to faciliate a contained fire. Maybe next year.
As far as drinking goes, I'm happy I wasn't drunk. I often work on NYE, as I've mainly had bar or venue jobs. So I'm usually not totally toasted. But I do remember in maybe 2013 having a really regrettable NYE. Full of FOMO and worrying about if some dude liked me or not and sending passive aggressive texts about it. That's kind of what alcohol does to me ... puts me in a stupor where I fixate on negativity and want to be somewhere else. Not drinking on NYE made me feel very present. I was a little sleepy and a lot full of food. But I was grateful and so so happy to be where I was. That's a huge difference for me. Alcohol makes me impatient and dissatisifed and needing more more more. It was easier to not drink on NYE than Christmas holiday stuff. It was really lovely, in all honesty.
Without further ado.
Looking Forward to 2017
Not going to list my anger + resentment list. Because I ripped that shit up, and I've let that shit go.
It's been two weeks since I've had any alcohol. Hell yeah bitches. Here are my first two weeks of holy-shit-I'm-really-doing-this-sobriety in photos. Pictured: good food, flirting with the gym again, long walks through my neighborhood, new tattoo, my cute ass dog, a crying ass selfie (because everyone deserves at least one holiday meltdown, right?!), my matte black nails! I have had a lot of ups and a few downs.
I am grateful for all the support I've received and the parts of myself I've seen in this short time. I've tried to be sober in the past (going about a month before relapsing hard), but the last time I really gave it a shot (almost a year ago now)... it came from a place of fear, self doubt and self loathing. Like holy shit I suck so much and I hurt everyone and I'm a dick and my loved one is gonna break up with me if I don't do this. This time, it's like... Hi I'm amazing and fabulous and I deserve to be clear and awake. And I want to be. It's all about intention. I'm feeling really optimistic still. So here's to the next 50 weeks.
Today was ok. Really wanted to drink when I went out with my friend but I didn't! We did karaoke and it was fun af. I did Shania Twain's '(Man) I Feel Like a Woman' and then we did Teenage Dirtbag as a group. I genuinely had fun. Now me and my friends are watching Community.
If I still drank, I would be looking for wine right now and would probably keep drinking until I fell asleep. Or like, doing dumb shit on my phone. It's so comforting to not have to wake up and be afraid of what I might have done. Being more in control helps with managing shame. I'm really relieved that things are going so smoothly the last thirteen days. I feel so much safer and calmer.
I had some car trouble today that will be potentially expensive but I feel like it was easier to problem solve and deal with. Little things haven't been bothering me as much. I think meditation helps with that too, in addition to not drinking. I also had a big self care day before the car stuff. Which helped.
The last thing I'll say - not drinking makes me smell alcohol on other people way more. I can smell three beers on someone but I never thought I had a smell when I was drinking. Though I probably did.
Anyway. Almost to two weeks! Let's get this money.
Too tired to write a lot. Had friends over after getting home from out of town. We just chatted and played with my dog. It was lovely and loungey. Sort of wanted wine earlier but just took a bath and did a face mask instead. My hygiene is on point in the midst of this sobriety business.
Have this week off work! Gonna fill it with some positive shit. Could write about some sadness and weirdness I felt today... but I don't feel like indulging those thoughts. Don't wanna overthink it. Keep on with the force don't stop. Tomorrow is gonna be a good ass day. I am ready for it and open to it.
Feeling more aware of my body. Need exercise, need water, need green things. I feel like drinking often threw a wrench in my good intentions of focusing more on wellness. I was constantly shocking my body with alcohol and forcing myself to start back at zero. I feel like I'm at about 65% right now but I know I'm not gonna deplete all my mental/ physical/ emotional energy with a binge. So I can slowly keep climbing. The goal isn't even 100% necessarily. The goal is ... to stop running on empty. Running on empty wasn't working for me.
I sort of feel despair when I think about never being able to drink alcohol again, but I'm reminding myself that sobriety is a daily choice that I get to keep making. Directing my mental energy there is comforting and makes it all feel more manageable. Staying wary of the addict voice in my head that's like "Hey! You aren't addicted! You've gone ten days without it! You're cured." Like, nah bitch. I'm tired of feeling like shit and I'm not gonna do it anymore.
Hiiiii. Blogging when I'm not on my computer daily (holidays what what) is a bit of a chore. But the Weebly app is a thing so hooray.
I feel way more in control of my emotions the past week and a half. I've been practicing a meditation technique from my Headspace app (the self esteem sessions) where anytime I have a bad thought - I acknowledge it as "Oh, feelings" and it helps me manage it. It's especially hard because I'm one to focus super hard on ex bfs/rejection feelings. It's kind of Self Worth 101 stuff. But when I can tell I'm gonna start overthinking or Instagram stalking (or doing whatever other form a negative spiral might take) and I just try to catch myself mid-thought and think "Oh hey - those feelings." Acknowledging them without diving into them helps. It's an extension of the meditation technique of thinking about thoughts as passing cars or moving clouds. You see them but you don't need to attend to them all individually. They just come and go.
I don't know if some of this mental calm is from not drinking, or if checking in daily (aka these blog posts) or just ... more time has passed from some of the shitty stuff I've been trying to work through. But I'm starting to forgive myself and love myself. Not just as far as past relationships go. But, in general. I feel optimistic and like good things are coming. I feel like it's easier to emit a higher frequency more of the time.
That being said, I have been a little bit grumpy as fuck this holiday season. I want to be happy all the time duh, but I also think I'm allowed to have days where my guard is a little more up. I can be prickly and that's okay. Just a gentle reminder to myself to lead with love and kindness, when possible.
Not really sure who is reading / if anyone is reading daily but I'm super grateful for all the support I've received. I've heard other success stories and other personal journey stories and other mental health stories that have 1000% inspired me since opening up about what I'm doing. I've tried to be sober so many other times but I finally feel like I have some momentum. And a huge part is just having a rad community of friends.
Gonna meditate and sleep and wake up and do it all again. Looking forward to setting some intentions next year in the coming days. Also super happy that I started this whole journey before January 1. My soul didn't want to wait and I was tired of making excuses about why I could still drink. Okay. Babbling now. Over and out.
took a bunch of anxiety medicine today but didn't drink. merry christmas 😅😫😭
Man. It's been an emotional week. I kind of thought that a lot of my mood swings were caused by being up and down from alcohol. But no, turns out... I'm just an emotional ass person. Seven days sober and still a lot of 😭😰😨😱 going on. I sobbed today, which I haven't done in kind of awhile. I also took a really great bath and did one of my face masks. So, highs and lows. My anxiety is high but I'm looking forward to finally getting a good night of sleep. I drank sparkling grape juice today while cooking. I feel like I've been drinking a lot of sugar since I quit alcohol so maybe that has to do with my mood swings and sadness and irritability. XOXO gossip girl.
I had a lot of Shirley Temples last night. And my friend made me a really good cranberry / basil thing. I need... a sugar intervention now. Oy.
I've been having a good time with my friends this week (HOLIDAY MADNESS) but I'm exhausted. Thankfully I've just been physically tired after a night of staying out, rather than hungover. I've been kind of grumpy and sleepy this week. But that's because I've been not sleeping that much and staying out until 3AM. Blah blah blee blah.
I'm interested in learning more about chemical dependency / addiction type stuff. I watched a TED talk a few days ago about how after a good stretch of sobriety — the evil addict in your brain says "Hi! See! You're cured! You can drink again!" And then that's how you start the cycle of binging again. So, I'm keeping that in mind and not celebrating any success too soon. Just choosing to not drink each day.
Did I mention I'm tired? One to two more holiday friend hangs tonight. I'll sleep when I'm dead. Baiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Don't have a lot of time to write today.
Going to Iowa City tonight. Gonna have to be super strong because I'm going to my "old haunt" where I've been the drunkest the most often. I can do it though. Can I get a round of virgin hot toddies for my bros?!
Yesterday sucked because I was so over tired, but feeling positive now. Ok baiiiiii.