The most important things I do all day:
1) not drink
2) focus on being present
I still have a very hard time coping with the concept of an ex not caring about me anymore. When I was with my ex, I was feeling pain from a PREVIOUS ex’s rejection. I’m coming to understand that it’s more of a cycle of codependent tendencies, rather than an emphasis on any individual. It has virtually nothing to do with wanting to be with them, more just feeling insecure about perceived rejection or loss. Even losing people who abused or abandoned me gives me great pain, presently, if I think too hard on it. I have to make a conscious effort each day to stay present. Live in the moment. Deeply accept the reality of right now. Right now is so beautiful. I want to be open to surprises and love and hope and trust. I trust the universe to bring good things.
I shared a story that I wrote in college on here a few days ago but had to take it down because I felt way too vulnerable and exposed and unsafe. If you have had scary experiences with drinking and intimacy, hit me up - I’d be happy to talk through it with you. I just couldn’t leave the whole story and the details of an assault experience on here. It just felt too scary. And I don’t know who all reads this. So, I took it down but I’m here to talk. Always.
In related news...
It's easy to feel shame about my past and how drinking affected my sexual and romantic history. My inability to emotionally connect for years made me feel like I was different or bad. It still does make me feel that way, if I think too hard or think myself into circles. I think it's easy to get caught up in anxiety about it all.
Alcohol was a huge part of how I was able to feel 'okay' with intimacy. It was an element of my disease. I think that as I work through my recovery more, I can really examine all this and work toward full healing. A lot of the guys I was with, I did care about deeply. I just had a hard time expressing it and I had a hard time really allowing myself to feel pleasure or feel worthy of love/adoration/good things. I think alcoholism contributed to that and also just immaturity and inexperience. It's hard to say.
I think there's just an intense shame and anxiety that comes with sharing my past, because there's a fear that a man might read my words and blame me for being assaulted or other forms of not believing me. As a woman, it’s like I’m not conditioned to believe my gut.
Anyway, I'm growing. I'm staying sober. I'm doing my best to live with honesty, vulnerability and strength. I can only go forward.
Celebrating 10 months of sobriety.
Here are some things I've realized.
1) It was always a gamble when I was drinking. It could be one drink or fifteen. I didn't know before I started drinking which it would be. And I couldn't stop once I started.
2) I don't want to fuck with anything that alters my mind, including weed. I've been weed free since July and I don't anticipate going back to that. It's not a huge moral thing / decision. It's just... I'd rather not.
3) I can feel myself re-learning how to cope. I can talk about hard things. I can feel absolutely okay with different outcomes. I can think ahead to the worst case scenario and realize that even if the "worst" thing happens – I'll still be able to handle it.
4) I LOVE SOBER WOMEN. I've made so many amazing friends in sobriety. I wouldn't trade that feeling of being understood and the feeling of solidarity for anything. It's like finding hidden gems – other humans who also operate on a high frequency. I've met so many humans, all of whom are so vulnerable and honest and raw. It's my favorite thing.
5) I am taking it one day at a time but let's be real. I'm going to keep not drinking after one year. It's my vibe. I am in love with stuff again. I am okay with my past and I am looking forward to the future.