I met Homer through my Tuesday night meeting. He brings humor and joy to every meeting and every conversation. Homer recently moved to Mississippi and we all miss him. When he asked to contribute to the blog, I was delighted. I appreciate Homer's perspective and vulnerability.
Four hundred and twenty days ago I got sober: Well, I started the process. I went through treatment, started attending meetings regularly, did 90 in 90, and have stayed with the program. My story is familiar, maybe . . . . About seven years ago my wife, and others, told me that: 1., You’re an alcoholic; 2. You are abusing your pain pills; 3. You need to get some help.
I did not take their observations well. “For Gods’s sake. I don’t gamble. I don’t cheat on my wife. I don’t miss work. I don’t go to work drunk. So, what the fuck is with you all?”
For the next four years my wife tried to encourage me to do something about my drug abuse (booze and pills). So, I played the game: went to meetings, stopped for a while, went to marriage counseling, and played the part of the caring guy who accepted his problem and was doing something about it. But I was bullshitting them all and myself – cunning and baffling.
To get them off my back and to “satisfy” the wife, I went into stealth mode. I would only buy booze with cash -- and only in the little shooters so I could dispose of them and not have any booze around. I lied expertly to cover my tracks and thought I had them all fooled. Then came the day when my wife confronted me and said she could not take anymore. I had been there several times already with her. There had been several “final” warnings. But I was always able to convince her to “start over’’ with me – God, that woman loved me so!!
This time, after eleven years of being my life partner/wife and sacrificing her dignity and self-respect, she told me she needed some space and I would have to leave. I tried to manipulate her into relenting, but she was adamant. I moved out. Lost and alone with no idea how to be by myself. We divorced within five months. I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE BECAUSE OF MY ADDICTIONS.
So here I am in a different city, trying to deal with the pain of that loss. I lost the one person who means the most to me now that I am sober. Every day is painful, but I am staying with the program. A 12 step program saved my life. It could not save my marriage.
Homer D. Hill
7 August 2017
I did think about drinking today. My roommate has opened wine on the counter. I thought about how easy it'd be. But I decided it wouldn't be worth it. And it wouldn't numb - it would depress and deflate. So I didn't do it. And today was another reprieve from fucking with alcohol.
Recovering from yesterday. Tried to be really productive at work. Need to start packing for my new house + get everything ready for the festival. I am capable. I am capable. I am capable.
I really want to try to carve time each day for the blog and really reflect on what sobriety is doing to/with/for me. It was so important to me in the beginning of the journey and it kept me honest. I haven't slipped and I want to make a concerted effort to stay the course this last stretch. I have a strong feeling that I will not start drinking again at 366. But ... day by day.
Incredibly sick. I got extremely dizzy in the morning. I didn't feel I could drive my car. The world was spinning. I couldn't keep down food either. Felt terrible from 8am to about 6pm. Then pulled it around, went to band practice. Not that confident in my piano skills but eventually pulled something together that I felt proud of. It's not fancy but it's chords and it's heart. I felt so good while playing. Chasing that feeling.
things I am grateful for:
coconut flavored things
faith in something beyond myself
bodies of water
developing a relationship w my inner child
shame research + brene brown
not fucking with alcohol
being seen and heard
seeing and hearing others
I need to find a way to infuse life into my work week. It all begins to become a little one-note.
Just hit 8 months. Meeting with my sponsor to try to really start digging deep.
I had a pretty bad day. Something triggered me and I totally fell into a shame spiral of not being good enough and not being able to do anything. My self confidence was shaken really badly. I ended up isolating and just laying on my couch all day.
Then I turned it around a bit and did laundry, listened to a podcast and did a face mask. But that didn't come to be until 7pm. The day was pretty much shot into a self deprecating poo poo pile.
Instead of going out or doing anything, been hunkering down deep with House of Cards. Not sure if I'm depressed or just really want to catch up on 4 years of pop culture.