I dunno. Pretty bad anxiety lately.
Been dwelling on the past a lot and feeling inadequate or like I've made a lot of wrong choices. Not feeling very strong in my sobriety - my closest sober friends are not around anymore and I feel kinda lonely in it. I feel like I still have so many reminders of my last romantic relationship and every time I have a set back in any capacity - I go back and dwell. I think that if I wouldn't have messed up that relationship, how everything would be so much better. If I hadn't moved back to Iowa. If I hadn't pushed that person away. I know I'm strong enough to move forward but it's really easy to fall into doubt.
I'm gonna try to focus on the positive. Focus on gratitude. I am more than my past decisions and I am making huge progress every day. Keep repeating it until it manifests.
Trying to stay focused on my inner child / my own sobriety journey. Been very distracted and upset by some stuff going on with friends and family. I am definitely ruled by my emotions and heart, so when I'm upset about something - it's pretty all-consuming. I'm trying to write something eloquent about how I feel more self-aware now about how my drinking impacted others, but it's hard to put into words. I think it's just a new experience to be the sober one, trying to help someone find peace/sobriety. I've always been on the other side, and for so long I refused to believe I had a problem. I don't know if I was really offered proper help but I sure as hell know I would have denied any help that came my way. I wasn't ready and I wanted to stay numb and stay in chaos. I'm not saying that's the case with my friend. And I don't want to be too harsh on my past self. But there's a lot at play, for anyone who struggles with addiction / substance abuse.
I am definitely getting more in touch with my spiritual side. Just trying to ask the universe for help. For peace. For serenity. For my friend. For me. For so many others who need stability and calm. Learning to let go, little by little.
My friend Brianna is an amazing human, book club leader and social worker. I adore this human. She is now on her 154th day of sobriety and having her as a part of my sobriety journey has been immensely inspiring for me and has helped me learn a lot about myself and my own relationship with alcohol. Here's her story in these early days of navigating an alcohol-free space.
My name is Brianna and I have been sober for 144 days.
I decided to become sober in February. It was not one night or one experience that motivated me to make the change. It was a series of nights, a cycle that I seemed stuck in and that affected the one closest to me. Something I learned very quickly when I became sober is that people ask questions. "What happened to make you sober?" or my favorite, "Did you even have a problem?" These questions typically stem from curiosity or concern or both. When you become sober after a dependency on alcohol, there can be a lot of guilt tied to your past. These questions and the desire to qualify the decision perpetuate that guilt. What I am (slowly) starting to learn is that I do not have to qualify my decision. I do not have to go into detail about what my experiences were and I do not have to continue feeling guilty about those experiences. There is value in just making this decision for myself first and working towards forgiveness and reconciliation second.
This has led me to make other decisions for my health and well being with the motivation of loving myself.
It's an act of love given to me by me and that's powerful.
It could be going for a walk, doing yoga, spending time with a close friend, having a night to yourself, buying that new outfit, because admit it…you look good! It could be going to therapy, processing with other sober friends or reaching out when you need support.
Practice and nurture self-love, in whatever way that manifests itself. You deserve it.
It's been very hard to stay on top of blogging. Here are some thoughts / emotions about relapse that I want to remember down the road. Just pulling my captions from Instagram. My friend (the one that got me into a 12 step program) relapsed and I've been heartbroken / searching for answers. I know their actions are out of my control but my nurturing spirit wants to help them so much. I feel like I'm looking toward a higher power in a way that I never have before. I'm praying that the universe has their back on this one. And mine. My heart is so broken. I'm happy to be sober though.
1. Tryng to get a good selfie in the sunlight 😑☀️ On a more serious note, what do you guys do when a friend (IRL or from the Instagram community) relapses? I hadn't heard from one of my friends in a few weeks and I kept texting them to no avail. I finally got ahold of them via FB messenger and they said they didn't respond to my text bc they relapsed. It's such a scary and fine line – wanting to support and offer unconditional love but still hoping they can find their way back to sobriety. Not that they aren't deserving of love if they drink but bc they struggle with addiction and you want them to live their best life, without suffering. I'm feeling some feels and just throwing some thoughts out. Xoxo ❤️
2. This has been one of the hardest days I've had in a long time. Still struggling with someone close to me relapsing. I'm not big on prayer and I'm not religious but I am begging the universe to grant my friend some serenity and sobriety. And I'm throwing it out to you guys too - please send some love or prayers or universe vibes. Alcoholism is some terrible shit.