I went to Nashville to see friends for my birthday. It was lovely. I feel so incredibly loved.
Drinking related revelations. 2014 birthday – got really drunk and made out with a guy named Champ who didn't want my phone number, even though I offered. 2015 birthday – got really drunk at my parents' lake house. 2016 birthday – got really drunk at my parents' lake house, "sobered up" and then drove to the downtown area to get a drink with a friend. And sobbed because my (then a fairly recent breakup) ex didn't wish me a happy birthday.
And there are 4-5 more drunken birthdays that precede that. I know I got very drunk on my 19th and 20th birthdays. 21 was an outlier because I was producing a festival. But I did get really drunk one night of the festival and tried to pour a glass of water on my friend and successfully drunk texted some guy who hurt my feelings. I don't remember if I drank on my 15-18 year birthdays.
I did cry a little bit today but it was because I was super moved by a book I was reading. It was a beautiful moment actually. I'm kind of rambling and I'm grateful that I only wasted 8-9 years drinking, instead of a lifetime.
It's all so strange. I'm grateful and sleepy and working toward contendeness. And that's good for now.
Six months without alcohol. Like WHAT.
Present me is looking to past me like... "See girl? I knew you had it in you all along."
I forgot to talk about weed with my therapist. Still feeling a little lax about it. Trying to figure out what it means to me to approach it "from a good place." I love feeling present. I love letting loose a little. I read a ton on it and I'm still unsure. Something to talk to her about when I have my next appointment. Need to make it a priority.
Tomorrow is my 6 month without alcohol. That seems huge.
It's been an interesting challenge to not drink at shows. When I feel especially uncomfortable, I double down on water. I chug water. Which is great for clear pee.
I love to dance sober. I am all about cultivating a sense of play. Closing my eyes. Moving my body. Fully committing to the moment. It's an amazing feeling. I felt that way tonight, and I feel so grateful. I don't think I could appreciate the beauty of that while drinking. I feel like such a different person when I don't drink.
Group therapy, house show, volunteer appreciation party.
Doing okay. Feeling moments of joy & a lot of moments of just going through the motions. I think it's okay to still be figuring it all out.
I'm devoted to cultivating a strong sense of self and maintaining radical softness.
I want to stay grateful, avoid the spiral, embrace it all.
I want to stop dwelling on the past. How many times can I write this.
Went to the lake with my friend on Friday night and Saturday afternoon! It was so nice. We went out in the paddle boat, danced to pop songs, ate good food, took a midnight boat ride, enjoyed some full moon views. We also went to the beach, cruised around, took photos, laughed. Truly the best.
Went to my friend's cabaret on Saturday night. It was nice. Saw a few old friends.
Went to brunch with a friend Sunday morning. Lovely chats and felt so good. Went to the pride parade. Bought a cute hat and some zines.
Things are okay! Keeping busy.
therapy today helped A LOT. i talked with my therapist a bunch about "crazy making" or "emotional chaos" - which mainly comes from people who are dishonest or not telling the whole truth. it's what my brain does when i'm trying to make sense of something that doesn't have a clear answer / that doesn't make sense. it goes along with the idea that you can't rationalize the irrational. i was really upset about the dude who told me he didn't want to see me anymore, but having a clear answer was better than being in limbo / wondering what he might think of me / why he wasn't texting me, etc. when i was trying to interpret him, that was crazy making. when i accepted that it wasn't a thing, i let go of some of the emotional chaos.
i started crying a bunch on the way to therapy and cried myself to sleep last night, too. i just kept thinking like "damn, i'm emotionally unwell" rather than focusing on the positive and supporting myself. after therapy though, i felt like a weight had been lifted off. sometimes it feels really good to just simply have someone say "you're not nutso – you were treated poorly and you're valid."
Learning how to love myself.
Ways I practice loving myself:
Calling or texting a friend that I trust
Cooking a nice meal
Going to therapy
Going to AA
Taking a bath
Eating real food
And other ways, too.