The days aren't long enough.
I had a weird emotional set back this weekend but mainly things have been fine. Monday and Tuesday have flown by and I need to wake up extra early tomorrow to try to catch up on work. 😫😫😫 March marks the one year anniversary for me at my new (well, relatively new) job! Also the one year anniversary of me dropping my ex off at the airport. I thought I would see him again but that's not how that shit played out. And that shit is painful to swallow. The shame and sadness and regret and everything is way easier to manage now, in sobriety. But I still feel like... wow I fucked up, so bad. The silver lining is that through this new job and through this new lens of sobriety, I have one year of independence under my belt (as shaky as it's been, at times). And I'm proud of myself for... continuing to live life. I don't know that I've entirely moved on (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) but I am moving. Inching to that place of forward motion.
Damn, I really have a lump in my throat.
Beyond all of that. At work and in life, I just feel stressed and like I'm not doing enough. I've been taking my anxiety pills to calm down and as a sleeping aid. They are non addictive, and it's helpful that I can take them daily or as needed.
I was gonna try to write individual blog posts for each day but honestly - it's just a formality. I don't need to stress about my blog -- this is supposed to be a source of joy and stress relief and catharsis.
In general, I'm tired of telling myself what I *should* do. Or *should* be doing. Sometimes my expectations for myself are just SO lofty and out of control. Tackle one thing at a time girl, things are gonna be just fine. Ah. One year. I'm a person. Everything keeps happening.
Day 71 was good. Again kinda dealing with the whole sober dating thing and so far it's been easy. I used to sometimes get high before dates to try and quell my nerves but I've realized that my clear mind is better. I feel way more capable and like myself.
I feel like myself! It's honestly so so good. I kind of have been wanting to drink and have been having a lot of dreams about relapse but I know that I am capable of staying sober and I feel committed to it.
I've been having a really hard time blogging the last few days. I just don't have much to say, I guess. Or... I dunno! I've been feeling a bit closed off. And. I've been feeling kind of sad and catching myself reminiscing on past relationships / things that aren't rooted in my current reality, which is kind of silly.
Mantras I want to remember:
I'm feelin' ok. Focusin on exercise, sleep and routine. Trying to get a good schedule going.
Getting back into the swing of things at work. I feel more like myself than I did over the weekend. I think I needed some alone time to recharge. I start to feel supppppper irritated and anxious when I don't get any time alone. With vacation plus my sister staying over plus visiting family... it was like 10 days of nonstop stimulation and people. I often don't realize I'm overloaded until it's been a long stretch.
Going to try REALLY HARD to get up early tomorrow. I, like, have my dream schedule mapped out in my head but every damn day I can't get out of bed. The next phase of this will be working out in the mornings. Gonna try to do slow jogging in the am. I need to move my body!!! I feel sluggish and tired and I know this is the culprit.
Not drinking has been ok. No major cravings or thoughts about it the past two days.
Yesterday was weirdly rough. I cried on the way home from my grandma's house and just like, couldn't stop. It wasn't like rough ugly crying. Just a stream of tears for like 15 minutes. I guess it was triggered by a minor romantic rejection... I didn't necessarily get rejected, I guess, but I had a weird little heartache thing. I realized then that I still have the pervasive "Hi yeah no you don't really deserve to be loved. You maybe think you do but deep down you actually suck." And it's like. This is the shit I try to combat all the time. By practicing self love and eating well and exercising and journaling and spending time with loved ones and creating and whatever else. I really don't want to be consumed by negativity but sometimes it just feels so real.
As I'm trying to date and move on, I still think about my ex and just feel like a pile of trash that deserves to be alone. I probably just need to talk to my therapist about it and find ways to cope with the negative thoughts. I didn't drink but my roommate has a bunch of beers in the fridge and I kind of had a "what the hell, I could just have a beer and no one would know" thought and then was like, meh I have too much integrity to do that. But I don't know. I feel like I need to spend some time building myself back up because I have felt pretty shitty since I've been home from vacation.
Soooooo I made a joke about this on Twitter but honestly dealing with the Verizon salesmen wiping my phone clean and thus restricting my access to my phone for four days made me want a strong drink. I didn't drink though. Instead I read a good chunk of my book and got a good night of sleep. So, ya know. Stayin' strong.
2 months sober. Hell yea! Today my friend told me that he hoped I was feeling okay sober-wise. And it took me a minute to think about. I definitely feel happier and more like myself, but I still get caught up in the thought of like... I've been tapped out and I'm sitting on the sidelines. I know it's not based in reality. It's more like a FOMO thing. Or like, I'm fucked up and not mature enough / capable enough to handle my liquor. So, idk. That's a weird way to think about it. Especially because that's not how I view other sober folks. I admire them greatly and think they are badass af. Just the lil creeping negative thoughts are reserved for myself.
That being said, working working working on self love. All the time. For now I will keep doing what feels good day by day. Thankfully that includes not drinking. So happy to have hit two months. Time is flyyyyyyyying by.
Hi friends. California was just what the doctor ordered. I feel confident in my sobriety and am happy that I was able to employ the one day at a time menality. I felt calm and confident. A few moments of like. Ugh I should be getting drunk. But it passed very easily each time I had that thought. Gonna share some pictures now. Grateful grateful grateful.
Hiiiiiii. I didn't take my computer on vacation and my phone was near-death (battery-wise) most of the time and I walked so much that I fell asleep RIGHT AWAY each night (my normal blogging time).
So. All that being said, sorry for not blogging. I'm proud of myself for unplugging though. IT FELT SO GOOD. I didn't have ONE SIP of alcohol the whole trip & I feel really good about it. My whole body feels good. I got some serious Vitamin D.
I think I'll post some photos for my Day 62 post and chronicle my trip a bit. I am so happy that I stayed alcohol-freeeeeeee! Xoxoxo.