I started the day with green tea!!! That is one of my major February goals. Start each day with green tea. I wanna boost my immune system and get all the digestion stuff flowing. Also a goal ... water water water.
Today I cat-sat for my boss who is in Puerto Rico. I always thought I hated cats but god damn this pretty lil thing won me over. I'm starting to kinda love cats.
Then, went to yoga. My hamstrings are still feeling the burn. Major stretch zone. And my lower back feels good. I slipped two weeks ago and majorly bruised my knee so tonight was the first time yoga felt good in AWHILE. Happy to be back in the swing.
Keeping my anxiety and depression pretty neutral today, no cravings to drink at all.
An acquaintance on Twitter who is also newly sober was like "we chose the wrong time to get sober" re: fascist president. This shit is insane.
Where is the line between self care and staying informed? I am straddling the line. Want to throw my phone in a river and just stay on the grind of volunteering and trying to be kind to people. The firing of the attorney general is just next level. This is not normal.
Sorry to be overly political but this is what's on my mind and heart today.
Reading before bed. Finding the calm.
Another good day. I wanted to drink tonight but I didn't. Went to a friend's holiday party and just had diet soda. Left around 11ish but I know that drinking me would have shut down the bar with my friends. I might have stayed later if I didn't work tomorrow. I don't mind being sober but I kinda feel like a kid or prude still. Ultimately I don't care that much what other people think of it. I'd rather feel good and not be out of control. It would be nice to let loose and be less anxious, without the help of a drink or whatever. It's kind of hard to flirt when your inhibitions are all there. I guess this is growing up! I think the more I work on my anxiety, the more I can just naturally let loose and feel comfortable.
I know this is murky because it's not legal everywhere, but do any of you folks with drinking problems have a policy about weed? Again, it's murky depending on what state you live in. My blog and project is specifically focused on not drinking alcohol but I am curious about how weed comes into play for others who are battling addiction. Hearing others' experiences has helped me so much in all of this. I feel more supported in the last 44 days than I have in my whole life, for real. It's wild.
Oh shit! Almost forgot. Didn't drink today. Cleaned my whole apartment and feelin A+. Space and energy is everything to me lately. Clean and good.
Not my best day. Had a panic attack in the afternoon. Trying to stay grateful and calm.
The ju ju in my apartment has been off for awhile. I saged the shit out of everything, boxed and shipped the things that I had to and generally tried to just get tf over it. Instead of continuing to fight my weird apartment vibes, I moved spaces and am taking over the eternally vacant second bedroom as my lil sanctuary. And I found a new roomie to take over my old room. Things are lookin up. S/o to my cousin for bein a whiz kid w the level and power drill. Can't wait to fill this space up with books and knick knacks and whatever else I wanna !!!!
Also I found my favorite glasses that I lost like 6 months ago. Really wanted to drink tonight but I didn't!
I gotta be real. Today was emotionally exhausting. Family and politics drama. And just some other interpersonal stuff with that. I wish that I could elaborate because I have a lot to say and that I want to get off my chest, but I think it would be in poor taste.
Also slammed at work. Could have used a drink or three tonight but NAH that's the old me. I volunteered & read & took a bath & made a yummy salad w cheese and olives. My self care game is on point. Thinking back to one year ago, I was manic af and freaking the f out about my life. My self care game was not quite so on point.
Today had moments of sadness and anger but I didn't sob or go overboard with panic. I took my anxiety medicine and did my work. And took care of a loved one in need. I'm learning coping skills and I'm practicing boundaries and it's allowing me to feel centered and to stay sober. Tomorrow is a new day.
I feel good today! I'm kind of behind at work but I can catch up tomorrow. Looking forward to volunteering tomorrow night, too. Annnnd, I have things to look forward to this weekend! And then going on my trip early next month. I feel happy and tingly and excited. Just riding the wave of feeling good while it lasts.
Group therapy was good tonight. It's like an hour and a half of empathy. I love my group ladies. I care so much for them and am rooting for their happiness so hard. It's such an unusual relationship dynamic, one I've never encountered before. I'm so grateful for my therapist for helping me figure out how to be honest with myself and for inviting me to join group therapy.
I still wish I could be "normal" and not have drinking be such a taboo for me. Right now I can kind of hide behind the year long project but I'm afraid that after the year I'll have to DTR (define the relationship, lol) and come out as an Alcoholic. I don't even know if I truly feel that I am. I'm still confused. Unsure if moderation will ever be possible for me. For now, my heart is deeply invested in this project and my one day at a time mantra is keeping me sane in more ways than one. Grateful. Thank you for reading. ❤
Didn't self sabotage today, feelin proud af.
After work, I made a yummmy mushroom/onion/kale thing, watched a little bit of Divorce on HBO and allowed myself to get engrossed in a book (true crime. Creepy and spooky but fascinating!!). I also did a peel and a face mask, and took a bath (which is for real my sacred time). And! I also got some super amazing zines in the mail, which I read about 1/2 of. I cried a little I was so moved at parts! These zines are focused on art / sobriety and queerness / sobriety.
I'm thinking of doing a little recap and maybe a book round-up of other texts that have helped me in my first stretch of sobriety (and in the pre stages of sobriety when I was contemplating and preparing). If you have any book recommendations for self help, sobriety, authentic living or cool witchy stuff, feel free to comment or email me. I love to read. It makes me feel so good.
I didn't have any temptation to drink today, which was cool. I am really grateful for the days that feel effortless, sobriety-wise.
Feelin pretty good. Had a bad bad headache all morning, was weird to have just a headache with no other hangover symptoms. I mean, that's probably weird to say. But in the past several years, headaches have been mostly hangover related for me. I also kind of wonder if I'll puke in the next year or not. I would say 90% of the times in my life I've vomited have been drinking related.
I'm still processing the fact that I used to put lots and lots of poison in my body several times a month and sometimes more. I would say my drinking significantly decreased in 2016, but I would still binge hard like once a month and have sporadic 2-3 drink nights sprinkled in. I would usually get drunk to excess, like major excess, once a month.
That monthly binge would often create chaos in my life that I fed off of. Like, texting (or calling over and over) an ex or being overly promiscuous or just doing other behaviors that weren't in line with my wants and desires in sober moments. Then, that created personal drama that I could talk about and obsess over. Rather than being honest and authentic and straightforward, I'd be like woah I can't believe I did that, or I'd feel vague and/or intense shame and never talk about it again.
I mean, that's kind of what drinking to excess was like for me in college too. Just my inner self acting up on its worst behavior. It's just really embarrassing to think back on that. And all the stuff I said that I didn't mean. I'm happy to acknowledge that this is a part of who I am and what I did but that I don't have to identify with these things anymore and I don't have to keep practicing these behaviors. The shame sometimes stings but it's getting duller over time. I feel like I'm doing a lot better.
Today I made gluten free carrot cake for my friends, and I have some modifications I'd like to make to the recipe but still feeling pretty accomplished and happy about it. Also, drank my body weight in sparkling water and think I found a new roommate. All in all, pretty decent day and still riding the high of the women's march. Ready to dig in and stand up for what I believe in more often. I feel positive and ready/able/willing to show up, more often. Partially because of momentum from the women's march and partially because I'm starting to get a better grasp on my mental health and I feel able to interact with others on a real level and stand up for shit I care about. Anxiety and depression are motherfuckers sometimes.