So. I still probably have alcohol in my system. I ate some junk food at the mall today while finishing up my holiday shopping. An Auntie Anne's pretzel and then some mega-sugar-caramel-coffee thing from Cinnabon. Shame eating.
I have focused on being more careful with drinking over the past 6-12 months and it's been an intense struggle. This past week especially. I've felt dangerously compelled to drink — actively looking forward to escaping my thoughts. I've even, like, done the plug my nose/close my eyes thing to make it easier to throw back wine. I've been having a glass of wine at lunch to try to prevent shitty withdrawal feelings.
I could get deeply into others' perceptions of my relationship with alcohol but now I'm scared. I don't want to dwell on negative thoughts others may have about me. I don't want to write that story.
I want to move forward brilliantly and focus everyday on the complex and simple ways my body and mind react to the absence of alcohol.
I also wonder if I have addictions to codependency and shame. I hope to figure some of that stuff out on this journey, as well. But I'm not going to be perfect, and I don't expect myself to be.
How can I set clear intentions for this that aren't shitty? Okay, here we go.
So here it goes. Day one.