27 is a lucky number for me.
I thought today was going to totally suck because I felt HELLA INSECURE this morning about a writing project I had to get done. So, I got to my desk and instead of diving right into work... I sat for a moment and just wrote in my planner and kind of set intentions for the day. I wrote that I want to stop asking for approval from other people. My planner has little prompts for each day: a Soul Prompt, a To Do section, a Stop Doing prompt, a Gratitude thing etc etc. And just setting that simple intention made a huge difference to me. I'm going to stop asking for approval from others. Seems pretty simple, right? Ha ha. Does asking for the approval of others make me feel light or heavy? Heavy. Ok, so I'm not going to do that. Or, I'm going to try.
Like, I just got real with it. As in... OK what's the worst case scenario here? My client doesn't like what I wrote and I have to rewrite it? I lose the respect of my boss and all my colleagues? I fall off the face of the earth and die? Like, no. Most likely, the first scenario mentioned would be the worst that could happen. I mean, I could lose others' respect if I consistently churned out shitty work or didn't put in any effort or had a totally bratty attitude all the time. But you know, for this particular thing... I was at least trying.
So I don't know. I'm trying to be vague since like, this is a public blog. But the gist is. I was afraid to write. I was pretty sure I was going to write something crappy. I was feeling really down. And then I was just like. WOAH. STOP. You don't need to seek approval from others. To me, this just meant... don't let the fear of what other people might say keep you from writing. Just try it. The worst they can say is... eh, not so great. Try again. I have a supportive work environment in that way. Where it's okay to not be perfect but you'd better really be putting in an effort and trying to learn. Which I love. Which I feel is where growth happens!
So yes. That intention set my day into motion. Then I came home and played with my dog for a little bit and FaceTimed by grandma. Then I went to yoga. And I worked really fucking hard and surprised myself with my strength. I held my own in a pose that normally totally freaks me out. The teacher made eye contact with me while I was doing the pose and gave me a thumbs up and was like GOOD JOB! Out loud. And it made me giggle a little bit. Because like HELL YEAH! I *am* doing a good job. Even though maybe my teacher just talked to me out loud in the middle of class because my eye contact was freaking her out. But I'm going to go with the not self-deprecating option, in this case.
Then I got fro-yo and watched a Scientology documentary with my friend. It was a really good day.
Tomorrow - I'm going to my first AA meeting with another friend. Just gonna feel it out. I think it will be really empowering to be around other people going through the same thing. I have one family member who has been in AA since I was in high school - so the very little snippets I've heard from him have been my only experience with it. I'm trying to have an open mind. About this & in general.