Decided I was done with weed in July 2017 and haven’t had alcohol since December 2016. Made a choice to approach things with total sobriety. Aka lost my right to any substance. Feelin good. ☀️🌸👽✌️
Working through a recovery program. Step 2 is about believing in a higher power and that a higher power can restore us to sanity. Going through a checklist of questions about my religious / spiritual upbringing – i realize there’s a lot of disconnection and fear in my former relationship with God / any sort of higher power.
I’m really interested in how others cultivate a spiritual practice in and out of AA. And especially outside of organized religion.
The most important things I do all day:
1) not drink
2) focus on being present
I still have a very hard time coping with the concept of an ex not caring about me anymore. When I was with my ex, I was feeling pain from a PREVIOUS ex’s rejection. I’m coming to understand that it’s more of a cycle of codependent tendencies, rather than an emphasis on any individual. It has virtually nothing to do with wanting to be with them, more just feeling insecure about perceived rejection or loss. Even losing people who abused or abandoned me gives me great pain, presently, if I think too hard on it. I have to make a conscious effort each day to stay present. Live in the moment. Deeply accept the reality of right now. Right now is so beautiful. I want to be open to surprises and love and hope and trust. I trust the universe to bring good things.
I shared a story that I wrote in college on here a few days ago but had to take it down because I felt way too vulnerable and exposed and unsafe. If you have had scary experiences with drinking and intimacy, hit me up - I’d be happy to talk through it with you. I just couldn’t leave the whole story and the details of an assault experience on here. It just felt too scary. And I don’t know who all reads this. So, I took it down but I’m here to talk. Always.
In related news...
It's easy to feel shame about my past and how drinking affected my sexual and romantic history. My inability to emotionally connect for years made me feel like I was different or bad. It still does make me feel that way, if I think too hard or think myself into circles. I think it's easy to get caught up in anxiety about it all.
Alcohol was a huge part of how I was able to feel 'okay' with intimacy. It was an element of my disease. I think that as I work through my recovery more, I can really examine all this and work toward full healing. A lot of the guys I was with, I did care about deeply. I just had a hard time expressing it and I had a hard time really allowing myself to feel pleasure or feel worthy of love/adoration/good things. I think alcoholism contributed to that and also just immaturity and inexperience. It's hard to say.
I think there's just an intense shame and anxiety that comes with sharing my past, because there's a fear that a man might read my words and blame me for being assaulted or other forms of not believing me. As a woman, it’s like I’m not conditioned to believe my gut.
Anyway, I'm growing. I'm staying sober. I'm doing my best to live with honesty, vulnerability and strength. I can only go forward.
Celebrating 10 months of sobriety.
Here are some things I've realized.
1) It was always a gamble when I was drinking. It could be one drink or fifteen. I didn't know before I started drinking which it would be. And I couldn't stop once I started.
2) I don't want to fuck with anything that alters my mind, including weed. I've been weed free since July and I don't anticipate going back to that. It's not a huge moral thing / decision. It's just... I'd rather not.
3) I can feel myself re-learning how to cope. I can talk about hard things. I can feel absolutely okay with different outcomes. I can think ahead to the worst case scenario and realize that even if the "worst" thing happens – I'll still be able to handle it.
4) I LOVE SOBER WOMEN. I've made so many amazing friends in sobriety. I wouldn't trade that feeling of being understood and the feeling of solidarity for anything. It's like finding hidden gems – other humans who also operate on a high frequency. I've met so many humans, all of whom are so vulnerable and honest and raw. It's my favorite thing.
5) I am taking it one day at a time but let's be real. I'm going to keep not drinking after one year. It's my vibe. I am in love with stuff again. I am okay with my past and I am looking forward to the future.
I haven't given up on daily blogging but it has been less of a priority lately. In early sobriety, it really helped me with accountability and just because I had sooooo mannnnyyy feeeeelings to process. I'm starting to feel a little more balanced and present and have had a little bit less to write about. I do like the discipline and daily practice, so I'm trying to repriotize a bit.
Overall feeling pretty good. Went to a show tonight and really enjoyed myself. It was my dog's first house show. He behaved himself masterfully. Lol. Honestly it was very cute.
I don't remember if I've shared this but I also stopped smoking weed in July and I feel like it's made a big impact on my ability to be present and focused. I'm really grateful for the gifts being sober has given me and I'm just trying to honor that and really be all in.
I also feel like not drinking provides so much extra time to do stuff. Like, simply the days feel longer. I wanna play more music, make fun collages, continue cooking and baking. Just stay present and enjoy and stay calm/not worried where I'm at compared to others.
Ok I'm really sleepy byeee.
Learning how to process and heal. I've been dealing with self image / self esteem issues lately. I'm at my heaviest and relearning how I talk to myself, my relationship with food and my relationship with my body. Not drinking alcohol is a huge thing in self love but it hasn't brought upon weight loss for me, which a lot of folks say happens in their experiences with cutting out alcohol.
I am not going to "require" myself to lose weight. I'm simply going to make healthy lifestyle choices a priority. And I'm going to try to listen to my body and feed it the nourishing food it wants. I don't believe in a lot of diet industry things. Or food industry things.
I found out about the passing of my former boss today. Really bummed. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and now gone. I went for a walk today and tried to just really really notice the sun and the crunch of leaves and my dog's smile. It could all be over in a moment. I know that sounds cheesy and sentimental but my heart is aching a bit and I think he'd want me to enjoy little moments and find the beauty. Memorial will be in November. It will be good to hug friends and tell stories.
List of priorities for the week
Make an apple crisp
Make a soup
Tell people I love that I love them
So inspired by Laurie's blog - A Girl and Tonic. She does great work to bring connection and love to the sober realm of the internet. And beyond! She also does amazing "alternative Saturday night" events where folks can enjoy tea, cake, yoga, etc. It's really inspiring and I'd love to organize something like that in Iowa.
Anyway! Laurie was kind enough to feature me as a Not Drinking Diary on her blog. I chatted about my journey with sobriety, my routines and what works for me. As always, I overshared and spilled my guts. But that's me. Still pretty raw and just navigating it all. Please go follow Laurie and check out my Not Drinking Diary on her blog!
Real talk. Last week, I moved from an apartment into a house and produced a mini music festival. I can't imagine attempting that while drinking. A reminder for the next time I think maybe I could start up again. I can accomplish a lot more with a clear mind. 🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅
Here are some photos from the days I missed posting. I'm also recommitting to AA and going to more meetings. I want to keep moving forward.