Learning how to process and heal. I've been dealing with self image / self esteem issues lately. I'm at my heaviest and relearning how I talk to myself, my relationship with food and my relationship with my body. Not drinking alcohol is a huge thing in self love but it hasn't brought upon weight loss for me, which a lot of folks say happens in their experiences with cutting out alcohol.
I am not going to "require" myself to lose weight. I'm simply going to make healthy lifestyle choices a priority. And I'm going to try to listen to my body and feed it the nourishing food it wants. I don't believe in a lot of diet industry things. Or food industry things.
I found out about the passing of my former boss today. Really bummed. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in January and now gone. I went for a walk today and tried to just really really notice the sun and the crunch of leaves and my dog's smile. It could all be over in a moment. I know that sounds cheesy and sentimental but my heart is aching a bit and I think he'd want me to enjoy little moments and find the beauty. Memorial will be in November. It will be good to hug friends and tell stories.
List of priorities for the week
Make an apple crisp
Make a soup
Tell people I love that I love them
So inspired by Laurie's blog - A Girl and Tonic. She does great work to bring connection and love to the sober realm of the internet. And beyond! She also does amazing "alternative Saturday night" events where folks can enjoy tea, cake, yoga, etc. It's really inspiring and I'd love to organize something like that in Iowa.
Anyway! Laurie was kind enough to feature me as a Not Drinking Diary on her blog. I chatted about my journey with sobriety, my routines and what works for me. As always, I overshared and spilled my guts. But that's me. Still pretty raw and just navigating it all. Please go follow Laurie and check out my Not Drinking Diary on her blog!
Real talk. Last week, I moved from an apartment into a house and produced a mini music festival. I can't imagine attempting that while drinking. A reminder for the next time I think maybe I could start up again. I can accomplish a lot more with a clear mind. 🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅🙅
Here are some photos from the days I missed posting. I'm also recommitting to AA and going to more meetings. I want to keep moving forward.
I met Homer through my Tuesday night meeting. He brings humor and joy to every meeting and every conversation. Homer recently moved to Mississippi and we all miss him. When he asked to contribute to the blog, I was delighted. I appreciate Homer's perspective and vulnerability.
Four hundred and twenty days ago I got sober: Well, I started the process. I went through treatment, started attending AA meetings regularly, did 90 in 90, and have stayed with the program. My story is familiar, maybe . . . . About seven years ago my wife, and others, told me that: 1., You’re an alcoholic; 2. You are abusing your pain pills; 3. You need to get some help.
I did not take their observations well. “For Gods’s sake. I don’t gamble. I don’t cheat on my wife. I don’t miss work. I don’t go to work drunk. So, what the fuck is with you all?”
For the next four years my wife tried to encourage me to do something about my drug abuse (booze and pills). So, I played the game: went to meetings, stopped for a while, went to marriage counseling, and played the part of the caring guy who accepted his problem and was doing something about it. But I was bullshitting them all and myself – cunning and baffling.
To get them off my back and to “satisfy” the wife, I went into stealth mode. I would only buy booze with cash -- and only in the little shooters so I could dispose of them and not have any booze around. I lied expertly to cover my tracks and thought I had them all fooled. Then came the day when my wife confronted me and said she could not take anymore. I had been there several times already with her. There had been several “final” warnings. But I was always able to convince her to “start over’’ with me – God, that woman loved me so!!
This time, after eleven years of being my life partner/wife and sacrificing her dignity and self-respect, she told me she needed some space and I would have to leave. I tried to manipulate her into relenting, but she was adamant. I moved out. Lost and alone with no idea how to be by myself. We divorced within five months. I LOST THE LOVE OF MY LIFE BECAUSE OF MY ADDICTIONS.
So here I am in a different city, trying to deal with the pain of that loss. I lost the one person who means the most to me now that I am sober. Every day is painful, but I am staying with the program. AA saved my life. It could not save my marriage.
Homer D. Hill
7 August 2017
I did think about drinking today. My roommate has opened wine on the counter. I thought about how easy it'd be. But I decided it wouldn't be worth it. And it wouldn't numb - it would depress and deflate. So I didn't do it. And today was another reprieve from fucking with alcohol.
Recovering from yesterday. Tried to be really productive at work. Need to start packing for my new house + get everything ready for the festival. I am capable. I am capable. I am capable.
I really want to try to carve time each day for the blog and really reflect on what sobriety is doing to/with/for me. It was so important to me in the beginning of the journey and it kept me honest. I haven't slipped and I want to make a concerted effort to stay the course this last stretch. I have a strong feeling that I will not start drinking again at 366. But ... day by day.
Incredibly sick. I got extremely dizzy in the morning. I didn't feel I could drive my car. The world was spinning. I couldn't keep down food either. Felt terrible from 8am to about 6pm. Then pulled it around, went to band practice. Not that confident in my piano skills but eventually pulled something together that I felt proud of. It's not fancy but it's chords and it's heart. I felt so good while playing. Chasing that feeling.
things I am grateful for:
coconut flavored things
faith in something beyond myself
bodies of water
developing a relationship w my inner child
shame research + brene brown
not fucking with alcohol
being seen and heard
seeing and hearing others
I need to find a way to infuse life into my work week. It all begins to become a little one-note.
Just hit 8 months. Meeting with my sponsor to try to really start digging deep.